Well, I ended up finding several more previously recorded dreams in my old diaries that I’d forgotten about, as well as experiencing a few new ones in the last two weeks. If you enjoy reading the fragments of my twisted mind, keep in mind this is just one installment of five, so check out the prior installments. Let’s just jump right into it…
#65 A Clockwork Orange Meets Brazil
I had a dream I was back in high school and they asked, as part of some well-meaning but half-hearted assembly/program if anyone had ever been sexually assaulted. Stupidly, I decided to tell the truth. It was lunch time and a student brought beer while a bunch of guys, including the person who wronged me those ten years ago, were playing football in the cafeteria while drunk. I snuck one of their beers when none of them were looking and sat in the corner, crying. The school administrators came up, wanting to confirm if I’d answered in the affirmative to their questionnaire and I said yes. They handcuffed me and led me out in front of everyone. It was humiliating but I tried to hold my head up.
I was taken to an office to be interrogated over my claims. I was crying hysterically at this point but they kept insisting I couldn’t be telling the truth because “BC is a good kid,” “you guys were always playing together at gym though,” “he used you as a reference for this job interview recently.” I couldn’t believe my ears but was too emotional to counter each of these claims as they threw them at me in rapid-fire succession. They brought in my gym teacher and asked him some questions I couldn’t hear. He wasn’t smiling but seemed unconcerned about me.
I was cuffed to a dentists chair (or something similarly large and adjustable) along with two others who had their own chairs next to mine. (Presumably they were the only other students stupid enough to trust the school to handle their problem.) The admins put on some informational film strips from like the ’50s for us to watch. It was as though they didn’t expect anyone to actually say yes, and since we had, they were legally forced to deal with us in some way but remained unsure how to actually do so. So they were throwing every educational filmstrip at us in the hope that something might click, or so they could fill out a form saying they did something. It wasn’t quite as fucked as Clockwork Orange because we could at least move around in the chair and cover our eyes. No one was monitoring us to see if we even kept our eyes open or not.
I asked the guy next to me if he wanted to hold my hand through it, since he seemed very upset. I didn’t want to just assume I should take it since he was also here on account of being sexually assaulted. He said “yes” and we comforted each other as best we could. When the filmstrips were over, two students came in and halfheartedly asked some followup questions like “now that you’ve been consulted, what are your life goals now?” I answered “probably the same as they always were, transition and forget it ever happened.” They did not seem to be sure if that was a satisfactory answer or not but just let it slide so they wouldn’t have to figure out how to “help” me anymore.
I shook hands with every admin, got a small goody box with stuff including a sapphire ring, and was sent back to my dorm room as though I were suddenly in college rather than high school. All I wanted to do was lie down and pull the covers over me. Of course, as soon as I open the door, a fire drill started and I woke up. 🙁
#66 The Greatest Film Never Made
I had a dream that it was either a giant airship or yacht or blimp but it was an impossibly big flying that suddenly it passed into alternate timelines so all the passengers’ backstories and personalities kept shifting in subtle but devastating ways. It was like the TNG episode “Parallels” or the Duckman episode “the once and future duck” but the new versions replaced the original people and no one was aware of the change in themselves. There were many characters but the only one I can remember now was a young couple who met on the trip and would have gotten married except they suddenly transitioned to new versions of themselves. These new incarnations never met, and their personalities were now so different that they never could have liked each other even if they had.
So much happened in this dream but i can’t remember any of it because I kept waking up and falling back asleep throughout the night. My subconscious must not have wanted to forget either because I had a separate dream later in the night which revolved around finding out what had happened to these people on that fateful airship. In this “second act,” I understood everything from the original dream to have been the plot of a very obscure movie–like a combination of Titanic and Back to the Future. I kept trying to track down a copy but couldn’t remember the name. Finally I asked someone who feigned ignorance at first. I said “leonardo dicaprio was in it, man! Somebody has to know this fucking movie!” and he told me it was called “yeast.” I did not question that answer.
#67 Celadon Game Corner
I had a dream that did not follow a strong narrative but it involved me wandering around a Lego exclusive store. They only sold technic sets including old Throwbots and Robo-Riders from the ’90s (and early 2000s.) There was maybe four or five plain, white rooms and it looked like a repurposed office building. There were a bunch of empty boxes with an apology printed on them from the store’s owner. It described some kinda scandal where the sets sold in the store were not officials made by Lego but replicas made by Atari. The apology was a non-apology basically saying “sorry you’re all such pedantic children about something that doesn’t matter” or words to that effect. There was a one way mirror in one of the rooms which I understood to be the owner’s office on the other side, watching us customers. Elsewhere, there were three middle aged guys working the checkout who would turn away anyone asking to speak to the owner directly, saying he was hard at work. I got the feeling this store was a front for something sinister. No other person acknowledged my presence even once while I was exploring the store. I was basically a disembodied camera.
#68 The Motherly Instincts Awaken
(Is This Saturn’s Influence?)
I dreamed my parents were gonna have another baby even though they are eleventy years old. The rest of the dream was me imagining myself as a cool Aunt/sister who’d splurge on expensive presents anytime I visit, take the kid sight-seeing everywhere and stimulate their sense of wonder, and looking up the best way to hold a baby so they never cry. It also involved me interviewing at a bunch of places to get a better job, and selling a bunch of stuff to have a stockpile of money in case the kid needed anything last minute. I knew I had to be ready to step in and raise this kid if anything should happen to my advanced-age-parents. Then the dream took a turn where I started “remembering” my worst childhood experiences (but they were fake memories with no basis in real life.) In one, I had run away from my family and was hiding in a store. In another, I was made to feel excluded by an older cousin. And I was trying to decide how I should act as the parent if this new kid should find themselves in similar predicaments.
When I woke up and realized none of this was happening, I felt a sense of relief that I no longer had to turn my life upside down. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a stronger feeling of disappointment.
#69 Not Even in My Dreams…
I dreamed I had a daughter, and I was so emotional I sang a song of nonsense lyrics since there were no words for my overwhelming joy. The other mother was some unknown woman with short brown hair and a red dress. Even in the dream I knew this happiness was fleeting. I knew deep down my daughter was going to be unhappy, probably turn to drugs or alcohol, and die despite my best efforts just like Terry McGovern. Suddenly I understood that she was also the youngest of two, and I feared that spoiling our baby girl would lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment in her sister. In the dream they weren’t explicitly named, but upon waking up I had this implicit understanding they were called Judy (the oldest) and Clarissa (the youngest). At points in the dream, I imagined myself and my mystery wife as conjoined like CatDog, and wearing matching collars as well. It was like that episode where Cat wants a new butt and Randalf agrees to take Dog. Except this time I hadn’t instigated the separation. Another person was wooing my wife and I was just helpless to stop it, and I knew we would eventually be sawed apart, proverbially and (considering the surreal circumstances) perhaps even physically. Yeah, it was pretty dark for sure.
#70 The Blood of Numenor Has Been Spent
I dreamed my grade school principal owned a movie theater and somehow had the rights to Lord of the Rings. So he made his own version starring us. And he was so proud he made us all come in on Saturday for a big premiere. But the Principal micromanaged everything including when we were allowed to take concession breaks plus he stuck a bunch of weird special features on the end of the film about the making of it. After like four of them, everyone started to leave even though another featurette was starting up. I tried to leave on good terms and shake his hand on the way out but he only gave a very brief, curt shake. I could tell he was upset.
My friend drove me home. I was in the back row of his suv and falling asleep. Then I wondered why I wasn’t sitting closer to him, so I moved up a row. I was making excuses for my tiredness but stuttering all the time. He was talking about how he expected the show to be as bad as it was since the principal never directed before, nor had any of us ever acted in anything. We saw our neighbor’s mom on the side of the road and she offered us chocolate but we declined. A small brown bear got ganged up on by two big gray bears and fell down a pit.
At some point, I went to the principal’s theater again to watch a marathon of Hey! Arnold episodes on the big screen. But as I was buying snacks, I realized how stupid that was because I could just watch Hey! Arnold at home for free. Also my phone was almost out of batteries so I couldn’t play around on it between episodes or else I’d be stranded without an uber. I saw a crowned letter…it was like an “A” but with a red halo around it. The image seemed vaguely threatening to me.
#71 The Most Sexual Non-Wet Dream I Have Ever Experienced
I dreamed AVGN and Mike Matei were playing Zelda CDI and went to save the recordings of their playthrough on a floppy disc to preserve the cutscenes. They’re told they can’t do such a thing by a cosplaying guy in a Link costume but he also mentions he knows a guy who could do it. They go to the beach and walk along a quiet parking lot by a sand road until they get to a staircase running perpendicular to the beach front into a house. I’m there suddenly. I could smell the salty air and could only imagine the joy of combining it with a SNES. We go up into this guy’s house and it turns out he’s a cute and unassuming 20-something with a big yellow lab and also a human boy on leashes. The boy looks young, wears a weird purple and pink dress with a thick lavender-colored, leather cardigan and belt. We feed them both meatballs from the fridge by tossing them on the floor. The boy scampers around on all fours to eat like a dog. For some reason our host wants us to take the boy with us to see Disney world. James and Mike dump him on me until arrangements can be made for that. Mike Matei says we (the boy and I) will have fun together.
At my house, I was determined to show this person a good time. I distinctly remember they seemed to become more feminine in demeanor and appearance once at my place. I say that her lifestyle seems interesting and I point out that I sometimes wear a collar but I don’t want to be treated like a dog. She said she noticed my collar in a reverent tone. I ask how old she is and she says 18. I feel very protective over her now and want to make sure she’s treated with respect. For some reason, my guest tries to help install a light bulb on the ceiling but falls and hits her head, so she starts to cry. To stop the pain, I take her to the fridge for ice. She sticks her head inside and water is inexplicably sprayed everywhere, agitating her further. Suddenly an older blonde girl and her date come in the room and see us. I know how silly the scene must look and preemptively warn them: “don’t ask.” And then these two newcomers organizes a game of crack the whip while I try to make a fruit salad for my original guest. But I eat a grape and suddenly the sweetness is so overpowering I have to vomit and I wake up.
I understand how drenched in sexual innuendos this dream was upon waking up, but (whether you believe me or not) as it was happening I didn’t perceive any of it to be erotic–my mind played it straight.
#72 A Sequel to The Founder
I dreamed my school peers and I were watching Michael Keating play Roy Kroc in a follow up bio film for a class. He was premiering the Mighty Kids meal to a restaurant full of kids. My interpretation, scene after scene, was that he was lonely. I kept asking my class aloud if they saw it but nobody did. I was in the movie suddenly as a blonde woman talking to a little girl about superheroes. I forget how this conversation went, but I know at one point I said “it’s like….well, Cleopatra…” And the little girl said quickly “Cleopatra wasn’t a super hero.” I was annoyed she wouldn’t let me finish my thought, but impressed she at least knew who Cleopatra was. One scene in the movie had a transwoman who was a mother and says to her kid “I haven’t eaten a meal that good since I had a penis” and everyone laughed. I felt uncomfortable, but dismissed my discomfort at everyone laughing by assuming it was the funny way the actress said it and how random it was. My teacher did remind us not to say tranny, but being Asian herself she insisted the word AZN was the worst “swear word.” I was gonna ask how she could be sure if we said “AZN” or “Asian” since phonetically they’d sound exactly the same, but thought better of it.
I was at the mall and my friend fell on the escalator and got injured, so I helped him up. I also asked for a ride home. As we’re walking I grabbed water out of someone’s hands to give to him. We stop in an alcove bar and these guys all around are wearing green. I notice my friend and some guys who followed us in are all wearing purple. I ask discreetly why that is, and a big fight starts between greens and purples. I do ok in the scrap, I grab a guy and throw him into the window. But I saw he’d cut his throat in the fall, realize I killed him, and am wracked with guilt.
#73 This Occurred Two Years Before the Actual Game Of Thrones Finale Aired in Real Life
I dreamed I had the manuscript for The Winds of Winter as well as A Dream of Spring and reading them was fascinating. It fleshed out Bran and Jon’s arcs particularly, showed us some Raegar scenes, and answered many questions. Raegar said “Memorius Memorandum” or some other pseudo Latin phrase a lot and was a jolly fellow. It actually made me excited for Game of Thrones again…until the last episode premiered. It was just Danny and some guys wandering aimlessly and meeting new people who do nothing. Since it’s Christmas time, it ended with a holiday message to the viewers. Everyone I’m watching with tried to pretend it wasn’t that bad, but I’m not having it. I go off on a rant, saying “that was the deal! We put up with Trump and Hillary and don’t riot, we at least get a good TV show!!” People laugh.
I go outside dressed like Santa. A living playmobil man begs me and another person for help. The other guy makes an excuse and leaves, I follow the playmobil man up to the scene of an accident. His car, with his wife and Kermit the frog, is frozen solid in a block of ice. I break them out, and tell them they should go home and warm up. The playmobil man starts inviting me in and telling one family member at a time what I did, so I’m meeting random playmobil people one after the other–complete with larger-than-life, disembodied hands moving them–like I’m a celebrity. This is all in his living room. I didn’t find it weird, because I assumed the people whose hands guided the playmobil figurines were a family too and just chose to express themselves in that way. Basically, I figured they (the hands) were using the playmobil figures as a method of communication and it made me feel touched by their eccentricities despite how creepy it is that these hands were big enough to move (or squish) me if they so chose.
#74 The End of Childhood as We Know It
I dreamed I was chilling beside the road with a friend when another walked up and saw me in “girlmode” for the first time. Later I was going through the drive thru at McDonald’s with some acquaintances and got food. I got out of the car to go inside for some napkins but threw them on the ground outside on my way out as they were dirty. A very little girl with black hair kept following me to gently point out I’d dropped my napkins. So I shooed her away and she asked sweetly for some goldfish I was eating–even said “please” when I initially hesitated. I was about to comply when her dad showed up. I knew a strange adult giving treats to a kid would look suspicious so I walked away. Scenes from The Founder played in my head but this time Robert Redford was playing one of the McDonald brothers.
At sundown Nickelodeon was doing a kids meetup to watch the sunset and I went. But then I felt self conscious being the only non kid there. I retreated to the mountain tops where a boardwalk had been set up and young adults were watching the sun. One guy there kindly corrected my posture. We talked about where it all went downhill for the earth and I suggested 9/11. Everyone seemed to silently agree to that. It was dark and I was suddenly feeling overwhelming helplessness at my inability to turn back the clock and be a kid again, or an adult enjoying the pre-“War on Terror” world. Yet there was a feeling of camaraderie with the three people there with me, like we’d face the future together.
Later, aliens came and everyone fled. Me and a friend then decided to sleep in the canyon below where they came. The next morning I started writing down the dream I knew I was having. I knew this part with the aliens didn’t belong in the story proper–it’d be an epilogue or cliffhanger to a sequel that would never arrive. The aliens came back on the mountain now and we could hear them saying how the Earth having a Sun would be bad, almost like they were sizing up our planet and how it might suit their own purposes soon. They had no friendly intentions. My friend and I remained hidden and tried to climb up to escape the canyon. The mountains were hallow and had stone exterior walls with windows.
#75 Chappaquiddick Mixed with Whitewater
I dreamed that there was some well known story about Hillary Clinton. When she was younger, she and two friends went to an outdoor pool. It had rained so much that the entire outdoor area (a kind of patio) was itself 6 to 10 feet under water. They went swimming anyway in this mess, and both Hillary’s friends drowned but she lived. This story greatly damaged her reputation. The rest of the dream was a series of images around my college campus but with rain or the threat of rain. People were trying to take refuge in one of the academic halls but it was locked. A passerby in his car was so disgusted by this display he howled obscenities at the school until they opened the doors. Then I saw the skyline as if from my then-apartment window, and it was dark and cloudy as if rain was coming. There was a lot of tension in the air; this wasn’t going to be just rain, this was going to be a flood or hurricane. I myself wasn’t in this part of the dream, it was another case of me being a sort of disembodied observer.
Later, Hillary was begging sharks from Shark Tank, especially Kevin, to invest money in her campaign. The debate was very lax, sitting at a coffee shop, but Hillary’s smoothie/milkshake exploded all over her. I suddenly existed and ran up to take pictures and tell her she’d doomed us all.
#76 Rule 63 in the Kids’ Unwritten Code of Honor
I dreamed there was a historical event where Hitler got a bunch of people to stand on a certain sidewalk and then had a big bus come and run them down. For some reason the German town reenacted this event every year to remember. I wanted to write a poem about it but I was intimidated to describe the actions of a man whom so much has already been written about. I was inside the building with a guy whose wife then died in the crash. The bus hit the building we were in and the owner bemoaned having to rebuild it. I said aloud what a waste of resources this was.
There was a student teacher program in the classrooms at the end of the school. The rooms were like movie theaters with ascending seats. Randall from Recess was teaching this class I was in and was doing a surprisingly good job. He was very professional and the students were well behaved. Then, suddenly, the next thing I remember, the main six Recess kids are outside leading a student riot. TJ Detweiler was a girl, but not a beautiful one. She had a REALLY cartoony/caricaturized face to where it didn’t look human. Her face and hair were dirty, and she was sapped of all charisma. Nobody listened to her at all. Somehow that changed and they did, and she became a boy again almost immediately thereafter.
I was stuck in a creepy dark office at school taking selfies. At first I thought I looked great. Then I’d look it over again and realize how ugly I was. The lighting would be off, I wasn’t smiling, my mouth was huge, whatever the flaw may be. I could hear people talking about some job or responsibilities I was supposed to finish but hadn’t yet done and I slinked away.
I had a dream about Donald Trump and Princess Diana. Me and a friend were chilling in my living room playing around on the computer and discussing Donald trump. He apparently tweeted about some antivirus program I happened to be using. Then I saw it was combing through my files to send to a third party, presumably Trump himself. I was really mad and upset. My friend stated the obvious–“that sucks wasn’t all your banking info on there?” I was more worried Trump’d know how much I’d criticized him and punish me in some way.
Then some guy delivered a pizza and I held the door open for him. He said he was so impressed by my politeness that he’d let me have some pizza after the true owner was done with it. Then Princess Diana became the focus. I saw two images of her life. In her younger years she complimented some other woman and said (in answer to a comment I don’t remember) that she wouldn’t live beyond 27*. Later she was sitting around with a whole group of people…once again I forget specifics. I know there was a little girl she said something encouraging to but I forget what. Then she was dead off screen and just after she died, a royal entourage came into a room with lots of whiteboards.
These two journalists, one boy and one girl, were asking each other questions and after a particularly intelligent one on her end he audibly scoffed, then proceeded to take her a lot more seriously. He had bushy long hair and didn’t open his eyes much. He had a way of looking down from over his nose and the color seemed to vanish from everything else when he was “onscreen.” He was still kinda cute though and obviously crushing on his female counterpart. She had straight black hair…don’t remember much else. News broke of the death so she wrote what she presumed to be the indirect cause of it–Charles–many times on the board in a webbed octagonal pattern. Then she noticed the royal entourage was in the room and quickly erased it before they could see so as not to offend.
Suddenly, I knew I had been dreaming so I struggled to write this all down since I love Princess Diana and wanted to preserve as much as possible. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find my phone or paper to do so. I was still in the same whiteboard room so I grabbed markers to write, but they wouldn’t work and someone was yelling at me to stop making a commotion. So I ran out and found my high school yearbook. I looked through the pages to find a big enough blank space in the signature pages to write. The book also had Peanuts comics in it. I went back in to write but the person kept yelling at me for making noise so I went to physically confront them and then I woke up.
*In reality princess Diana was like 36 when she passed away. But my brain really likes the 27 club.
#78 Battle of the Burgers
I dreamed about Goodburger. The Mondo Burger people came with giant monkey wrenches to fight, so Dexter grabbed a plunger. For some inexplicable reason a female worker there had been disguising herself as a boy, (hat, binder, etc) was forced to admit she was a girl, and the other employee didn’t care. And I remember thinking their friendship, the one between the employees was surely stronger for it since they didn’t care if someone was a guy or girl. I saw Dan Schneider’s … controversial face behind a glass window in his office, looking over his underlings. Before the final fight, Dexter carelessly threw some money in the register without sorting it so as to free his hands for the face off.
At some point in the dream I know George McGovern was giving a beautiful speech in the woods and it had the melancholy air of a retrospective on a tragically doomed campaign. He was smoking a pipe and in a gray suit. I saw some posters calling him a Centrist and lamenting that in America’s polarized state, reasonable men like him go ignored. The details here are hazy.
A cartoon character came home to find a bunch of others waiting for them in a supportive sense–with cookies. Chocolate chip cookie chocolate chip cookies–whole cookies within a cookie. I’m 75% sure the group waiting was the lion’s share Scooby Doo crew and the lone wolf coming home was Daphne or Fred. But I also think maybe the person coming home was Betty Rubble or that chick from the Lego movie or even someone else. It honestly is hard to remember. They seemed to change based on each subsequent scene. They were obviously part of a couple too.
#79 Meeting My Fantasy Male and Female “Soulmates”
I dreamed I was at a restaurant eating dinner with my family. Everyone ordered except me because the waitress left before I could talk to her. What was making this worse was my mom kept pressuring me to flirt with her even though I didn’t find her attractive and just wanted to enjoy a nice meal. At some point our table had grown bigger and some forlorn looking red haired boy with glasses and his bald dad were there. The son went to the bathroom and I joined so we could talk in private. He was depressed because he didn’t want to be reminded of his birthday. He said he hates labels. I kept thinking he’d be a great person to come out as trans to. When we get back, the staff sings the obnoxiously over the top birthday song to the boy, who looks distraught though he clearly expected something like that to happen. Then his dad senses the discomfort and says he thinks we should all stop talking about the birthday. Our brief interaction was never explicitly romantic, but nevertheless I knew the two were going to be part of our family soon.
Finally, I was supposed to go to some dance with a girl, (I was a full on woman in this section of the dream too) but she flaked out because of the shame of being openly lesbian. I called her on the phone and she was very distant there, with her mom answering or dodging my questions. I saw her drive by in a car with a fat chauffeur who rolled down the window and mocked me…until they got in an accident immediately thereafter.
I dreamed I was forced to play hockey and I sucked at it. I kept getting off sides and fouls. I hated it and just wanted to get off the field (it was played on grass). Donald Trump was there and we all booed and made mean songs about him. I couldn’t see his reaction. In the end I grabbed my purse and went into the changing room expecting the worst but nobody really acknowledged me either way. The changing room was unisex and structured like a McDonald’s playground but with sinks and guys in towels. It started collapsing on my way out but nobody was worried. I got driven home and saw the city but all the buildings were made of stone and bathed in lavender and yellow lights. The former coming up from below and the latter down from above. It was really beautiful. Up close I noticed there were complete dinosaur skeletons everywhere. I got out of the car next to a large mirror laid flat atop a pile of rocks. I stood on top of it and suddenly vanished. It wasn’t as graceful as it sounds because even though the process was magic, I felt myself falling all the same. So, I threw up my arms as it happened and to any onlookers it would have been a comical sight.
Later, the dream transitioned to As Told by Ginger. It was like some sleepover with a bunch of people at Courtney’s house, and Ginger could tell she was unhappy. Everyone else was into some ditzy slumber party games, but Courtney herself seemed cold and distant even at her own party. Miranda was scouting out the outside; she knew they were being watched, but it was never made clear who would do such a thing. The “episode” ended with Ginger knowing Courtney better than her own friends, but how this would factor into anything remained unresolved. Out of nowhere, I suddenly existed outside of the program and I got hired as creative head of development for the show. I promised everyone that it was already a great, overlooked cartoon and I wouldn’t fuck with it.
Where the Post-Dream Wakefulness is More Fucked Up Than the Dream Itself
I dreamed about Clarissa and Sam in college, her house was abandoned except for a weird artistic display of snow globes she was trying to sell for extra cash. She was clearly finding little success in doing so. I went backstage on Nickelodeon studios and learned that Melissa Joan Hart and the All That kids were shackled at the ankles to prevent escape. There’s more to that one I know, but for the life of me I can remember.
Then I had one of those half-asleep, sorta-waking-up-but-still-not-thinking-clearly deliriums where I was picturing this scene during the “No Bed of Roses” song from a godawful Christmas special, Rudolf and Frosty’s Christmas in July. The melody’s good, even if the voice work and animation suck. But more importantly, the sight of Rudolph smearing red glitter on his nose to pretend it can still glow is a mental image I found strangely profound. (Or at least a good starting point for something profound.) The fact that it’s Rudolph and he’s voiced by some stuffy nose sounding kid kills it, but is there a way you could do a similar scene with a human being and remove the goofiness? How? I tried to think of a scenario where I lost my blue eyes and resorted to smearing paint on them. Then I thought of someone who really likes their red hair and throws paint on their head to pretend it’s still red.